After The Duke of Plaza-Toro, from The Gondoliers by Gilbert and Sullivan.
A woeful volunteer, ha ha
Ten paces in the rear, ha ha
That celebrated, dedicated, Liberated master thief
And most reluctant rebel.
With daring exploits he's aggrieved
He expects they'll come unstuck
When things go bang he feels quite peeved
For there's seldom time to duck.
But is he nervous backing up
Some dauntless rebel faction?
That fated discombobulated*, agitated master thief
Is merely poised for action.
When Avon's plans backfire, ha ha
His tactic's to retire, ha ha
That fated discombobulated, agitated master thief
Is merely poised for action.
* Confused
Nights out with Avon he enjoys
On scams that end in checkmate
Together they bamboozled Toise
And rendered Krantor prostrate
Although he'd had a drink or two
P'raps seemed a trifle flustered
That inebriated, saturated, pixilated master thief
He still could cut the mustard.
He multiplied their stake, ha ha
It was a piece of cake, ha ha
That inebriated, saturated, pixilated master thief
He still could mut the custard (Eh? hic!).
He's partial to a shot or two
Of Adrenaline and Soma
And prone to miss a rendezvous
While feigning deepest coma.
Personal violence ain't his thing
When he's the threatened person
That inebriated, castigated, aggravated master thief
Is off when missions worsen.
He prefers light badinage, ha ha
To acts of sabotage, ha ha
That inebriated, castigated, aggravated master thief
Is off when missions worsen.
When Avon down a ballast tank
Propels our hapless hero
He finds his chores a trifle rank
Job satisfaction's zero
Through that blasted window on Keezarn
He should've followed Kerril
But that defenestrated, dominated, Delta-rated master thief
Resumed his life of peril.
Those legs he did forsake, ha ha
It was his big mistake, ha ha
That defenestrated, dominated, Delta-rated master thief
Resumed his life of peril.
If teleported to a place
That's quite unprepossessing
He swears the President will give chase
He finds this thought depressing.
But in a dire emergency
To her challenge he is equal
That underrated, denigrated, vindicated master thief
Helped ensure the sequel.
With Orac he escapes, ha ha
She's eating sour grapes, ha ha
That underrated, denigrated, vindicated master thief
Helped ensure the sequel.
On that fateful day at Gauda Prime
With Avon off his trolley
Evasive action was no crime
To shoot it out was folly.
He's still around 'cos he ducked and dived
To avoid the Feds' arrival
That incriminated, extricated, re-instated master thief
Recommends survival.
These days he has a bar, ha ha
A wife, three kids, nice car, ha ha
That incriminated, extricated, re-instated master thief
Recommends survival.