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They call me a telepath

by Neil Faulkner

After "For I'm called Little Buttercup" from HMS Pinafore, by Gilbert and Sullivan

They call me a telepath, alien telepath,
And I can understand why.
Because I'm a telepath, mystical telepath,
That's why I get such naff lines.

I am a space rover, I get taken over
By aliens twice every week.
It's getting quite boring, the others ignoring
My eyes glazing up like a freak.
I know I'll get captured, I can't say I'm raptured,
And though I can always get free
It bugs me for hours that my awesome powers
Are never that helpful to me.

For yes, I'm a telepath, innocent telepath,
Elfin-faced telepath I,
A sweet-natured telepath, high-minded telepath,
Ever so priggish and pi.

I'd like for a brief time to drop all this sublime
Performance and start being me.
To stop quoting sayings and get on with slaying
The scum in the great galax-ee.
To show I'm courageous and wild and outrageous,
Get squiffy or rat-arsed and stoned.
But fans would attack it and viewers not hack it,
And so I must suffer alone.

Because I'm a telepath, beautiful telepath,
Little lost telepath I,
Just like a telepath, typical telepath,
Gods! What a terrible bind

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