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by Judith Proctor

tune: Bound for Botany Bay (Chorus lines are spoken)

All I want for Christmas is an Alpha,
All dressed in black leather and studs,
I'd drag him right into my bedroom,
And cover him over in fudge!

Why fudge?
Well it's the fun of licking it off again...

I looked in a mail order catalogue,
Not one single Alpha to find,
They'd betamax videos and delta wing kites,
But they're not quite what I had in mind.

Just one Alpha,
That's all I'm asking for...

I went for a walk down the High Street,
In the glare of the bright neon light,
Do you think I could find me an Alpha?
If you said, no, you're perfectly right!

If you said, yes,
You're an incurable optimist.

I went on a journey to Greenland,
I saw Santa Claus and his sleigh,
I asked, "Can you find me an alpha?"
He shook his head, and the reindeer said," Neigh."

Hang on!
I thought horses said that?

I cannot find one single Alpha,
I'll have to stay lonely in bed,
But it shouldn't be too bad at Christmas,
'Cause I'll ask for some fanzines instead!

After all,
They're the next best thing.

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