or: A Story in Search of a Plot
by Bonehead
A new star is born...

Well, it is only a story, but a hilarious one: If you find more jokes on one page, you must be reading Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett. It starts as "A Story in Search of a Plot" but turns out to be a multiple crossover with British and other tv-series and sf-classics.

When CI5 is faced with budget shortenings, Bodie and Doyle are forced not only to share an Austin Mini as their car but also to share one small appartment. For Bodie their new accomodation at least offers comfort in the person of the beautiful blonde Romana, the assistant of the Doctor who begins to change the Austin into something else. The beginning romance is interrupted by a visit to Craggy Island, a hostage exchange in the notorious BBC quarry and a gourmet weekend at Fawlty Towers where the two encounter a stranded Star Fleet Captain. As time goes by Bodie and Doyle are soon involved in a case which sounds like the idea of some amateur Science Fiction writer who hasn't anything better to do - but if you consider all the facts, it might just be worth it.

Page by page the following series/characters are getting involved: Blake's 7, Dr. Who, Dracula, Father Ted, Fawlty Towers, Highlander (tv), Star Trek, The Professionals, Starsky & Hutch, Winnetou & Old Shatterhand, and a lot more. It might help if you knew the characters but you don't have to.

This zine contains not only 42! pages (A4) of fun, but also a colored cover and is definitely better written than this ad.

If you like to order one, send DM 10.00 / US$ 8.00 / £ 5.00 (banknotes)

to: Bonehead, c/o Verena Scheuerle, Trajanstr. 31, D - 50678 Köln

For more information please contact Charlie []

orders from oversea: Please allow 4 - 6 weeks for delivery


Professional Hilarity

The rebel leader started to walk back the way they had come and stopped before a shop window, peeping inside. He caught a glimpse of silver. Just what I thought! He couldn't resist it, the old devil.

A bell chimed when he entered the cool shadowy store. He was met by a young pretty lady in a tight purple leather outfit.

"Welcome to Hardcore Leather! How can I help you?"

"Well, actually a friend of mine --"

"So you're looking for a present! Just tell me: Are you two on intimate terms yet?"

Blake stared at the amiable face before him and hoped desperately Avon wasn't within earshot. "Not exactly. I don't want to buy anything. I was just looking for him. I think he's in the back of the shop."

"If you'll follow me..." She led the way past leather jackets, leather bags, leather belts, leather hats, leather trousers, leather skirts, leather gloves, leather boots and - Blake noticed with amazement - leather bras, leather underpants, leather whips, leather thongs and a lot more stuff he couldn't identify. Avon was talking to a young blond curly-haired man in a white gold-studded leather suit who was holding up a pair of black trousers with the matching shirt and black boots, all made, of course, of the finest leather and castellated with gleaming studs.

"Look at this, Blake! Do you recognize it?" Avon asked when Blake approached with the young girl.

Blake shot Avon a long glance, then had a closer look.

"It's nearly the same as Travis wears!" Avon sounded excited. "I've always wanted one like this. This is too great an opportunity to miss! I'll buy it!"

"An excellent choice," the young man smiled. "Don't you want to try it on first?"

"There's no time for that!" Blake insisted. "Come on, Avon, the others are waiting!"

"I am sure it will fit you perfectly well. You were born to wear leather, if I may say so."

They went to the till, where the shop-assistant packed everything into a bag.

"I'll have these," Blake appeared, holding up a pair of brown leather boots.

"Very fine quality. Now let me see: That's £ 200,-- altogether."

"Is that much?" Blake whispered.

"I don't know," Avon answered. "Let's see how much Vila gave me."

He pulled out some coins and banknotes and placed them on the counter with a confident smile.

The shop-assistant was also still smiling. "I'm afraid that's hardly enough, gentlemen. I said pounds and not pennies!"

"How much do we have?" Avon demanded.

"7 pounds and 21 pennies. I suppose this is a joke!"

"It is not," Avon stated and drew his gun with a click.

"Avon, you can't rob this shop! Put the gun away! Let's just leave!"

"But I want the trousers, the shirt and the boots and I will have them! Now hand over the bag and don't even think of pressing the alarm button!"

The young man looked at Avon's gun, obviously not sure what to make of it. "Are you threatening me? With this plastic toy?"

"Are you feeling lucky today?"

Blake sighed and drew his gun as well. The things a well-meaning rebel had to put up with when recruiting a bunch of criminals. He thought Avon perfectly capable of hurting these people to get the damned outfit and he wouldn't let that happen. So he aimed at the nearest leather jacket and pulled the trigger. With a hissing sound and a big hole in the back the jacket fell to the ground.

"Now go ahead - make my day!" Avon commanded and watched with satisfaction as the young man shoved the bag across the counter.

Posted on 20th of November 1999

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