I Drink, Therefore I Am


Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

by Chris Blenkarn

Picture the scene - you've just been unexpectedy teleported onto Liberator, and are thus already shaken, and stirred. What you need right now is a stiff drink, preferably a Dry Martini. Who will give you one?

Blake? Not a chance. Blake would eventually find you something alcoholic if you asked, because he's a nice guy, but he'd be too busy looking at star charts and stuff and saving the universe to think of it all by himself. He looks like a beer drinker, anyway, probably a member of CAMRA, though that mindwipe may have made him forget. Come to think of it, he probably can't remember what a dry Martini is, either.

Avon? Are you kidding? Avon being hospitable? I'd think twice before accepting a drink from him in case he'd dropped some vitriol in. Avon doesn't look like the martini type to me. A whisky sour drinker, though maybe not made with Glen Grant depending on which series you've been teleported into. Anyway, he's just lost another altercation with Blake and has stormed off.

Jenna. Certainly has the looks for a bar tender, but might be tempted to use Dubonnet Blonde. Probably too busy keeping an eye on you in case you pursued Blake ( I'm assuming you are female teleportee; you male readers can write your own fantasy.)

Cally. She's an alien for pity's sake. She won't know what a dry martini is, and she looks as if she drinks Perrier Water, with a glass of Chardonay at Christmas.

Gan. Now Gan might well realise your predicament, but as with Blake, I just don't see him as a martini aficionado. Gan drinks beer, possibly homebrew, possibly stout, possibly Pils, but he can't get completely pilsed because of the limiter.

Dayna. Much, much too young. Likely to be drinking brandy and babycham or Pernod and blackcurrant - yuk!

Tarrant If he's in the mood he might well offer, if only to display his prowess at mixing fancy drinks. He is young too, but hopefully past the stage of 20/20 Maddog. However I fear that he may be of the school that puts ice into a Single Malt. In his eagerness he would be in too much of a hurry, and swamp the Martini with ice cubes.

Soolin. Hmmn. If you like drinks with a shot of vodka/creme de menthe/ maraschino cherries or similar vegetation/little parasols etc, Soolin may be your best bet. Dry Martinis? I think not.

Orac/Zen/Slave. Mixing a martini is an art, not a science. Computers are therefore excluded.

Vila. You're always safe with Vila. He may look initially more like a Soma + packet of fags man, but that is his cover. It's a very convincing cover: how do you think he got to be such a good shot at the weapons station? By playing darts down the pub, naturally. However, I am of the school that believes he has Hidden Depths, which in this case means he knows all about cocktails. You don't seriously think he carried that bloody great portable fridge around just to keep his lockpicking tools handy, do you? No, it contained a cocktail shaker, ice, glasses, vermouth and Gilbey's gin. It's so obvious if you just think about it.

Vila will instantly recognise and empathise with your need, engendered by blind panic. He will recognise an opportunity to leave his flight deck tasks, for he has a solution, a liquid one. Furthermore, he is a gregarious soul and will offer his services, or of he is too far gone to do so, I will demand them.

I am confident, because this is My Fantasy, that he will have stashed away a copious supply of gin and vermouth, and have two stemmed 125ml glasses already chilled to just the right temperature. It goes without saying that he will know to a nicety the precise proportions required, will not dilute the result with ice cubes, and will not mess around with olives and fiddly bits of lemon. Down the hatch! On second thoughts, Vila, we'll make that Cheers!

Here are some genuine cocktails that have an affinity with Blakes 7

Save the Planet
White Lady (series1-3)
Black Lady (series 4)
Black Hawk (Well now, guess)
Anna's Banana
Rotten Body (Trust me, you don't what to know the ingredients of this one)
Oom Paul Orbit and Go Naked ("I should never have switched from scotch to martinis" - reputed last words of Humphry Bogart)

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Last changed on 30th of August 1998